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Caylen Hartwell was interviewed by Emma on her podcast/radio/video. I am only aware of one other interview of Caylen’s, it must have been a decade ago with Bill Ryan when Caylen was known as Kathy Collins. [1] Caylen had been very positive and talked alot about healing, so I was looking forward to this interview, one of the few videos I watch. So many people need healing in these days as more people are waking up to their mind control and abuse.

I was intrigued by Caylen talking then, iirc about people getting serotonin fixes by reliving their past behaviour, and it dovetailed into experiences that I had had with people who afaik were not child abuse survivors, but definitely had had a physically abusive childhood. Time and again, they would jeopardise a more stable life and go back to a chaotic, out of their own control one, and I concluded this was what they were used to being brought up.

Overcoming her own experiences, Caylen tells the story of some of her healing in a funny and positive way.

I had realised that survivors have to be mega attentive to the behaviour of their abusers, I had not realised the extent to which this “codependency” behaviour was so debilitating, so I am researching more into the book she mentioned. Codependent No More – and she has told me it is Melody Beatty Codependent No More [10] and I look forward to reading that

I have included Emma’s shownotes and the autotranscript for those like myself who prefer transcripts, and I have included a few relevant links, below Emma’s shownotes. There is also a link to a 7 minute edit/excerpt, see after the shownotes.

The Imagination Podcast bitchute S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” [4]

The Imagination Shownotes

This week I’m honored to have SRA & MK Ultra survivor and overcomer, whistleblower, mother, spiritual coach, child abuse and trauma advocate and educator, entrepreneur and owner of Positive Shifting, and self directed learner, Caylen Hartwell – formerly known as Kathy Collins – on the show today! There have been a few prolific survivors who have been speaking out for many years who have persisted in speaking out despite what opposes them and Caylen is one to add to list alongside other courageous women that have been on the show like Svali, Cheryl Beck, and Penny LA Shepard who have been paving the way for many years for survivors and victims to have a voice.

I was recently introduced to Caylen’s story and felt so deeply in my heart that I needed to reach out and see if she’d come on the podcast and was SO honored when she said ‘yes’! I find her and her life so inspiring because although she’s been through horrific things that were meant to break her and that the majority of people can’t fathom, she chooses to focus on the redemption part of her story and now devotes her time to helping other people turn their own pain and trauma into power and purpose.

With the subject of ‘trauma’ being something every single person on the planet experiences in different degrees and kinds, it’s shocking how little we truly know about this subject matter and how even Doctors of Psychiatry are not taught things like Dissociative Identity Disorder or satanic ritual abuse. Caylen truly bridges the gap in helping everyone from survivors of MK Ultra, to therapists, to helping those of us who are dealing with the everyday traumas and stresses associated with being a human being understand the complexities of how trauma is layered throughout the body and how we go about healing from these new understandings.

One of the things I fell in love with about Caylen is how centered she is on providing messages of hope to survivors. After all she’s overcome, it is nothing short of a miracle from God that she is here with us today and that she can serve as a living testament of what is possible with the right knowledge, understanding, and action in regards to surviving and thriving after trauma. When she speaks, she is standing up for every victim and survivor and helping society as a whole understand the unthinkable in a palatable way. I know if you are here listening today that you are going to leave with so many take-aways and this may be an episode you might want to stream more than once.

CONNECT WITH CAYLEN:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/caylenhartwell/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/CaylenHartwell

CAYLEN’S RECOMMENDED LINKS:
Dream Dictionary referenced in the interview:
https://www.amazon.com/Dream-Dictionary-Tony-Crisp/dp/0760765359
ITNJ Judicial Commission on Human Trafficking:
https://commission.itnj.org/
Interview with Kristy Allen on SRA:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixHC8lm82Qg&t=67s
(Not all of the testimonies are available regrettably)

CONNECT WITH THE IMAGINATION:
All links: https://direct.me/theimaginationpodcast
Website: https://standbysurvivors.com/
SXS Merch: https://my-store-c980d5.creator-spring.com/
Survivor Store: https://standbysurvivors.com/survivor-store

–

There is also a 7 min edit/excerpt that I have not watched. The link will take you to Telegram.

I think it is a good idea in general for edits/excerpts to be made, even as short as twitter length of a minute ish to promote the longer interviews and pick out salient important points.

Telegram Caylen Hartwell [9]

I have added some more links of Caylen’s

• Caylen’s Website https://www.positiveshifting.com/
• Caylen’s Blog https://www.positiveshifting.com/blog

A few links to topics Caylen mentioned – her previous interview, Ho’oponopono, Codependency book and Kristy Allen interview with ITNJ

• Transformation – Healing from Child Abuse, Kathy Collins [1]
• I am Sorry, Please Forgive me, I love you, Thankyou. Ho’oponopono [2]
• Kristy Allen Mormon Ritual Abuse and MKUltra [UT62]
• Melody Beatty Codependent No More [10]

Just a note on ITNJ, whilst I trust all the survivors who I have seen given evidence, I do not trust ITNJ See ITNJ thread archive on pingthread which survived my twitter ban. [8]

I look forward to Emma’s next interview with Caylen. Thankyou to both.

Transcript

Links

[1] 2019 Oct 21 cathyfoxblog Transformation – Healing from Child Abuse, Kathy Collins https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2019/10/21/transformation-healing-from-child-abuse-kathy-collins/

[2] 2013 Sept 9 cfoxblog I am Sorry, Please Forgive me, I love you, Thankyou. Ho’oponopono https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2013/09/21/i-am-sorry-please-forgive-me-i-love-you-thankyou/

[3] youtube The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” https://youtu.be/u9Ltxi_TlE0

[4] 2022 Aug 14 Bitchute The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” https://www.bitchute.com/video/UQtl15c9yQOA/

[5] apple The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-imagination/id1526743863?i=1000576085556

[6] spotify The Imagination Podcast S2E44 | “Caylen Hartwell (aka Kathy Collins) – MK Ultra Survivor on Rising from the Ashes of Trauma” https://open.spotify.com/episode/2nwDjed0EYYmbrYtE71h2j?si=0Gy9iHhsSK2TQD9pKli6NA

[UT62] UT5- Kristy Allen Mormon Ritual Abuse and MKUltra https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2022/06/28/ut5-kristy-allen-mormon-ritual-abuse-and-mkultra/

[8] Pingthread ITNJ thread archive https://pingthread.com/thread/13740136479

[9] Telegram Caylen Hartwell 6 minuter https://t.me/mindcontrolmonarchmkultra/3159

[10] Melody Beatty Codependent No More https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2LT0LZOSTH7Z5&keywords=codependency+no+more+melody+beattie&qid=1661862032&sprefix=codependency+no+more+bea%2Caps%2C107&sr=8-1

This post [11] 2022 Aug 30 cathyfoxblog Caylen Hartwell https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2022/08/30/caylen-hartwell/

cathyfoxblog social media links

• CathyFoxBlog WordPress Blog   https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/
• Telegram FoxyFoxyWolf Channel          https://t.me/wolfchannel2
• Telegram Foxy Wolf Chat Group  https://t.me/foxywolfchannelgroup
• FoxyFox Substack Blog, email list   https://foxyfox.substack.com/
• Gab                                                  https://gab.com/cathyfoxblog
• Gab End Child Trafficking and Abuse https://gab.com/groups/47785
• Odysee https://odysee.com/@FoxesAmazingChannel:8
• Bitchute                       https://www.bitchute.com/channel/ACa7R1IDRwAF/
• pingthread   https://pingthread.com/author/CathyCathyFox
• Publish0x https://www.publish0x.com/@cathycathy
• Bastyon https://bastyon.com/foxyfoxy

RSS Feeds

• https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/feed
• https://foxyfox.substack.com/feed
• https://odysee.com/$/rss/@FoxesAmazingChannel:8

Transcript

heavenly father today we put on the full armor  to protect us against attack we put on the belt  

0:09of truth to protect against lies and deception we  put on the breastplate of righteousness to protect  

0:16our hearts from the temptations we put the  gospel of peace on our feet to walk in your light  

0:21peace and freedom with the holy spirit we rebuke  anxious thoughts we take up your shield of faith  

0:28for protection to block and destroy all the  darts and threats thrown at us by the enemy  

0:33we put on the helmet of salvation to cover our  minds and thoughts reminding us that we are  

0:38children of a mighty king we are forgiven set free  saved by the blood of jesus we take up the sword  

0:46of the spirit your living word that has the power  to demolish strongholds and is sharper than any  

0:51double-edged sword we come to you lord in prayer  daily in jesus mighty name we pray amen what’s up  

1:00you guys welcome to the imagination i’m your host  emma and this week i’m honored to have sra and mk  

1:07ultra survivor and overcomer whistleblower mother  spiritual coach and warrior child abuse and trauma  

1:14advocate and educator entrepreneur and owner  of positive shifting and self-directed learner  

1:21kailyn hartwell formerly known as kathy collins  on the show today there have been a few prolific  

1:27survivors who have been speaking out for many  years and who have persisted in speaking out   despite what opposes them and kailyn is one to  add to the list alongside other courageous women  

1:38that have been on the show like spally cheryl beck  and penny l.a shepherd who have been paving the  

1:44way for many years for survivors and victims to  have a voice i was recently introduced to kailyn’s  

1:50story and felt so deeply in my heart that i needed  to reach out and see if she’d come on the podcast  

1:55and was so honored when she said yes i find her  and her life so inspiring because although she’s  

2:00been through horrific things that were meant to  break her and that the majority of people can’t   fathom she chooses to focus on the redemption side  of her story and now devotes her time to helping  

2:11other people turn their own pain and trauma into  power and purpose with the subject of trauma being  

2:18something every single person on the planet  experiences and different degrees and kinds  

2:23it’s really shocking how little we truly know  about this subject matter and how even doctors of  

2:28psychiatry are not taught things like dissociative  identity disorder or satanic ritual abuse  

2:35kalyn truly bridges the gap in helping everyone  from survivors of mk ultra to therapists  

2:41to helping those of us who are dealing with the  everyday traumas and stresses associated with   being a human being understand the complexities of  how trauma is layered throughout the body and how  

2:51we go about healing from these new understandings  one of the things i fell in love with about kailyn  

2:57is how centered she is on providing messages of  hope to survivors after all she’s overcome it’s  

3:03nothing short of a miracle from god that she  is here with us today and that she can serve   as a living testament as of what is possible with  the right knowledge understanding and action in  

3:13regards to surviving and thriving after trauma  when she speaks she is standing up for every  

3:19victim and survivor and helping society as a whole  understand the unthinkable in a palatable way  

3:26i know if you are here listening today that you’re  going to leave with so many takeaways and this may   be an episode you may want to listen to you more  than once i’m incredibly honored to bring to you  

3:35today woman of god verse voice for the voiceless  healer educator child advocate trauma educator  

3:43and absolute inspiration kailyn hartwell caitlin  thank you so much for being here with me today  

3:50well thank you oh my gosh i need a  drum for that drum roll that was just

3:59thank you so much you’re so gracious and i’m so  uh blessed to be on this uh this podcast with you  

4:06and i want to thank you very  much for doing what you do   um you’re such a such a an open and pure  heart and that is what is important so um  

4:20anyway so where do i start yes yeah i mean i  i’m just excited to be here talking to you so  

4:27it’s it’s wonderful to be able to share this it’s  an honor to have you here like i said you know i  

4:34when i read these stories and see what people like  you have overcome like most people in society they  

4:40look at celebrities like oh my gosh and i look  at you guys like that i’m like gosh we have so   much to learn about what we’re truly capable of as  humans what what can happen on the other side of  

4:51healing our inner child if we’re an adult and the  importance of you know children and how to raise  

4:57them and just bringing awareness in general to  these things that happen whether or not we like   to hear about them they do happen you know and all  of us know people we might be that person that has  

5:07experienced extreme trauma and we need to really  start as a society understanding this and how to  

5:13approach it how to recognize it how to heal from  it you know and how to be there for people who  

5:19have gone through it so i’m really grateful  that you’ve been you know talking about this   side of it and trying to educate people because  like i said you know even in psychiatry a lot of  

5:29doctors who are you know they go to school for  four to eight ten years they don’t learn about  

5:34some of these things and so you know we’re  misdiagnosing people there’s people walking   around that just feel so helpless and it’s really  nice to you know listen to somebody like you  

5:45that some people can listen to and say she  understands you know and oh my gosh look at   what she’s done with her life she has kids she has  a you know she has a thriving business like i can  

5:55do that too if she can so i just can’t thank you  enough for everything that you’re doing and for  

6:00people who haven’t heard of you i’d love for you  to maybe just give us a little bit of background  

6:06on your story and maybe at the kathy collins  side that people might know you as and and just  

6:12go into maybe a little bit of your past and kind  of what got you here today to where you’re at now  

6:18yeah well it’s it is like having uh as we were  talking earlier off camera i feel like i just  

6:26started a new life and um my uh life for me as  kathy collins i was born kathleen aaron collins  

6:36that was my dad was very proud of our irish  heritage and um i had a different notion like  

6:46you know other people on your show have have told  that you know because of the suppressed memories  

6:54um i thought i had one life and i was aware  of some of the abuses but it was mixed  

7:04up because i i was i knew that there were  terrible things that happened in my family  

7:10um but i still painted this picture of oh my  family is perfect and um the memories didn’t start  

7:20coming out well a memory started to emerge at age  27 when my oldest daughter was one year old and  

7:33i dreamt that my husband had raped her i got up  and i told this to my husband my then husband  

7:45about this dream and he was so upset and he  screamed at me he’s don’t you ever ever ever  

7:54say anything like that to me again and i was so  ashamed and i thought i don’t watch anything like  

8:01this on tv where did this come from so what i  did is i shut it down like full force and almost  

8:10the very next day i came down with severe tmj  temporal mandibular joint syndrome extreme pain  

8:22so i’m going to professionals to take care of the  tmj they think it’s because of a you know injured  

8:28hip you know they’re looking at structural things  there was nothing structural wrong with my jaw  

8:35i had this tmj for 17 full years  that meant that during the entire  

8:42childhood of all my three children they  didn’t have a mom who was present because  

8:48i was in so much pain and three years later  i contemplated suicide which might have been  

8:55the programming because it was very strong for  three months every day i was obsessed with this  

9:04wanting to take my life but i go oh what am i my  kids i need to find i need to find a mom for them  

9:09but i couldn’t go anywhere i was a vegetable  here aged 30 i was a total vegetable because  

9:14my i had shut down and i was married  to a personality type that was  

9:22perfect because you’ve got a real codependent  is going to go with a narcissist so i had  

9:30to have that compliment it’s like a mathematical  formula people say oh it’s not fair but it’s  

9:36it’s like is two plus two equaling four fair you  know that’s just it’s just a mathematical formula  

9:44in our reality uh it’s energetic and also  that experience being married to this person  

9:54was to teach me a really solid lesson that  i could pass on to other people and it was  

10:01to teach me the value of my self-sovereignty as  a codependent i gave myself away i gave myself  

10:09away to the point where years later  my kids thought i was dying of cancer  

10:15and i wasn’t but i was near i could feel  the um what do you call it i could feel  

10:23the connection to life was very tenuous it was  just like on strings that’s what it felt like  

10:31so how did i end up with this type of  personality is i was uh born into this trauma  

10:42it didn’t uh i was born in 1957 in santa  rosa california which is was one of the  

10:50major mk ultra centers for project monarch  according to kathy o’brien lovely woman by the way  

10:58i i can’t say enough about how much she has done  to educate people and so aside but when i finally  

11:06realized what all the constellation of things that  happened to me i did email her and mark and i was  

11:15scared because i thought well maybe they’re trying  to uh maybe it’s it’s a setup and they’re trying  

11:21to find me so there was this like no but i need to  reach out i need to reach out so i did reach out  

11:27and within 24 hours i got this lovely email  back and it was just wow to get this email  

11:36back that was so compassionate and uh it it  just still resonates with me today so this is  

11:44something that people can take away with  them is you don’t know how such a simple act  

11:52can really help somebody and make them feel safe  or safer right and not feel like you know what  

12:01because i thought i was going crazy there was  nobody i could talk to right now it’s really   cool that their people like you are talking  we’re talking about it in public space um so

12:16the reality of my uh my past came out when  i was coming out of the tmj 17 years later  

12:26i came down with severe chemical sensitivity  um i was allergic to everything i was eating  

12:36i could only wear cotton i couldn’t get near  anybody who had washed their clothes with thai  

12:42detergent i mean i was extra i couldn’t go  into the grocery store just smelled like   chemicals i couldn’t take my kids clothes shopping  because of the formaldehyde in the in the clothes  

12:54so i was where i was near death and i got  there’s no place on this planet i can i can live  

13:00and so i asked a neighbor who seemed to be well  connected i said do you know where i can go and  

13:08she said well contact baster university i  wasn’t up in washington state at the time  

13:13and it’s the university that trains naturopaths  and so i called them i said can you give me  

13:20a recommendation because this is my situation i  said well we can’t it’s a policy and i understand  

13:27that but i said i am near death i have to know  um and so the person said well don’t tell anybody  

13:36that they gave me dr crean’s  name and i called him up   and i went to him immediately he started doing the  detoxing but he had some very curious questions  

13:46on his questionnaire the reason i’m bringing this  up is because people who are not aware of things  

13:53their clues start coming in to their awareness  when they’re ready so i’m filling out the  

13:59questionnaire and said has you have you ever  been sexually abused and i thought what kind   of ridiculous question we’re talking about  chemical sensitivity what does that have to do  

14:11with sexual abuse well apparently it had  everything to do with it so i didn’t know  

14:21and he could see it right there he could see it  when he saw all my symptoms he knew my story he  

14:28didn’t know that about the sra right but he knew  about the sexual abuse and sexual abuse alone is  

14:34enough to really debilitate a person and he said  you know you were exposed now he couldn’t tell me  

14:43directly because that would be too shocking the  shock i wasn’t ready for that shock of discovery  

14:50because that would have taken me out of totally  it would have bumped me totally out of healing  

14:57so please therapists if you see somebody across  from you and you have you know by their symptoms  

15:05this is what has happened to them don’t tell them  because that’s exactly what happened to my brother  

15:11and he went crazy he he had to go to 18 therapists  after that because he was told too soon what  

15:20happened to him yes but this is because therapists  were not educated were not educated but i was so  

15:28blessed to be with people who are very very gentle  and tender around this subject and so he asked  

15:35me to uh he said you know there’s this book you  might want to read it’s codependent no more you  

15:41want it it’s up on the shelf over there and so  i reached up to get it and so i could look at it  

15:50and i couldn’t hear anything else he said after  that because i was so uh worried about how i was  

15:57going to get the book back up on the shelf without  interrupting the conversation so i couldn’t hear  

16:04anything he had to say that’s how codependent  i was i was so trained to be so in tune with  

16:11the other person’s needs i was in tune to you know  my trainers my dad whenever i was there to just  

16:19serve them and i didn’t know how to undo i didn’t  know that this was the mechanism i had going on so  

16:30i finally found a break and i put it up there  and i wish i knew what he said because he was   so full of wonderful knowledge but i did  get the i did get the book and i read it  

16:40and as i’m reading it i’m going oh my gosh  there’s stuff in here that i think my brother  

16:47would relate to and now i was pretty estranged  from my siblings this is very typical i mean  

16:54we didn’t outright fight but we weren’t i i was  just on the periphery i didn’t interact with them  

17:01a lot and of course i was far away so i  called him and he said all he said was  

17:09well you know what happened with  our father and then this sensation  

17:18came over my body and dr ukrainian had taught  me he said now listen when your mind thinks  

17:26something and your body tells you something  different your body is telling you the truth

17:34so i had this body reaction my mind is saying okay  and that’s all he said you know what our father  

17:40did so obviously my mind jumped there but i wasn’t  going to look but i had this full body reaction  

17:49and i can’t remember the rest of the conversation  but after getting off the phone for a whole week  

17:55i did this ping pong no can’t be true my dad no he  no no no no but then my body would say oh this is  

18:04awful and i had this terrible pain all over like  every cell in my body was screaming so by the end  

18:11of the week of that process then i realized that  that was true so that led me to the piece where i  

18:21could start healing just the peace with my father  and the sexual abuse the other thing dr cranian  

18:28taught me was your digestive system doesn’t work  you have your overflow with toxins because you  

18:34experienced trauma while your systems were being  for formed and your digestive system never got to  

18:43fully form so that’s why i was so overloaded  with toxins even though i wasn’t drinking  

18:49or smoking or you know i was eating a pretty clean  i was having a pretty clean lifestyle according to  

18:56my knowledge back then i didn’t know about organic  back then but you know as clean as it could be so

19:07what happened was that i kept you know i kept  investigating doing you know journaling and uh  

19:14then i became part of i had this over i lost  my i had to quit my job because i couldn’t  

19:21function i had severe fibromyalgia nobody  could touch me i mean we’re talking extreme  

19:27pain in every cell of my body on top of the  the tmj so i go to this pain study in um

19:38back up i went to take my youngest  daughter to get her braces   and the prosthetic i thought  okay i need a mouthpiece  

19:46uh because i wear a night guard at night so  why not have him check me out so i went to  

19:53have him check me out and he said oh um you don’t  have anything structurally wrong with your jaw

20:03and he said i know somebody who can help you  though so he sent me to dr love don’t you love  

20:09that name at um the pain study uh institute clinic  at university of washington in seattle that meant  

20:17i had to drive and i was really dissociative  so it was really difficult for me to do this   but i got a stipend uh for going there and  they would um do all these tests but then  

20:28i went in this one time for him to for dr  love to check my mouth and um he had a couple  

20:40of students there and he says is it okay if the  students know watch and learn and um i said okay  

20:49so he did this experiment where he opened  my mouth he says now you just relax and let  

20:56me open your mouth and so he did and then they  measured how wide my mouth would open he says now  

21:04open your mouth on your own let’s  see how wide you can open it   and they would measure it and they did this  three times consistently when i opened my mouth  

21:15myself it was 10 millimeters  wider than when he opened it  

21:22so then he turned to the students he said yes and  this is indicative of sexual abuse oh my whole  

21:31body is just like oh i was flooded i felt my my  face turning red and because you know we’re in a  

21:41learning institution it’s all about learning  i’m not the client you know so it’s just like  

21:46i’m feeling it now again just reliving that  experience so i’m sharing this because when  

21:53we we suppress the the information for so  long and so hard it can produce these effects  

22:02i was able to get over the tmj in three weeks  after learning that piece of information

22:11so it was completely psychosomatic and  all these dentists over all these years  

22:17were drilling on my teeth and doing all kinds of  fancy stuff because they have no clue they have  

22:24no clue except for this guy and the  prosthodontist that i went to so  

22:31as you pointed out we have gaps we have big gaps  in our medical establishment the people who are  

22:36front in the front lines who ought to be able  to let poetic she has nothing wrong with her jaw  

22:43why is she having all this pain they were even  talking about giving me surgery but it would have  

22:49cut off the nerves to my mouth and i wouldn’t have  been able to i wouldn’t have been able to smile oh  

22:55my gosh so i’m very lucky that uh we didn’t do  that uh so that’s that was the very beginning of  

23:02that so then i went on this journey of healing all  around my memories come like right away after that  

23:09or was it what happened is i would have memories  of being underneath the house and these creatures  

23:20chasing me under the house and i would tell dr  crane and i go this is what’s happening i feel  

23:26like it’s icky icky feelings and it was because  my mind he said your mind is protecting you  

23:34you can’t you can’t see what actually happened  you can just just get hints you’re under the house  

23:41the house represents you that means you’re in  the subconscious you just can’t break out of  

23:46the subconscious because it was so horrifying  to you so um he performed naet on me i can’t  

23:54remember what that acronym stands for but this is  the first energy healing that i i received and of  

24:00course we had to go off to some clandestine place  because oh you know a naturopath is not supposed  

24:06to be doing energy work and then he released you  know certain points that he said well your biggest  

24:13issue is fear of abandonment which is basically  almost everybody’s you know but it was huge for me  

24:21um so this set me on this journey of  healing around my father i just did lots of  

24:28work on that i could never get solid memories  of it but it was just like notions notions  

24:38and um so we’ll fast for a few more years i  moved to paris because my husband gets he gets  

24:47transferred to paris for a couple of years and um  and my two younger kids got to go to the american  

24:54school of paris and it was cool that i already  spoke french so like wow thank you that’s a safe  

25:00but let’s see how the universe how it all gets set  up like this we’ve gone to germany i couldn’t have  

25:06spoken and i was dissociative so it was really  you know it was really um it was really hard  

25:12to just do anything but i go okay i can  function i know french and um so my brother  

25:19comes over to visit they said the saying goes  when you move to paris everybody visits you  

25:25so that’s what happens i came all the way  to see me there wasn’t going to come up to  

25:30washington but oh de paris paris yeah so he  came now this is the one where uh we were  

25:39talking earlier about half truths right discerning  whether something is a full truth or half truth  

25:48so he comes to visit and i’m telling i said  i’m feeling better i think i got over stuff  

25:53i’m feeling more energy and i that summer i  was able to function and it was really cool  

25:59and he said well there’s more are you ready i go  hey i want to heal just just tell me just tell me  

26:09okay well we were prostituted  and used in satanic rituals  

26:17again the whole body reaction again  but he said two things in that sentence

26:26so i could believe being prostituted because  i remembered being put in suitcases and potato  

26:33bags we’re talking from two years old i was  taken out and used by both men and women  

26:41so i remember being put in the trunk of the car  um and then it turned out it it took me several  

26:49years later to figure out the definitive moment  when i quit my job my last job because i lost my  

26:57teaching credential status we just moved over  the border and so i was working as a teacher’s   assistant from the business school and i was in  the candy store and i was stalking candy and um  

27:11and then i had this notion i had to go answer the  phone i’ll remember i’ll get back to my brother   in a minute i went over to the phone and i saw it  was off the hook and i lifted it up oh a vendor uh  

27:24with an order oh yes yes yes so i went over to  the business teacher i said did you know there  

27:30the there was somebody on the phone she says yes i  came in and i had this whole conversation with you  

27:36to tell you about it and i said if we  were in a court of law i would swear that   i don’t remember you coming and talking to me  so i had total missing time total missing time  

27:48from an entire experience so i thought oh my  gosh what else am i not remembering you know i  

27:56hear i had somebody to verify what happened and  the evidence was there the phone was off the hook  

28:04years later it took years later  to figure out what happened  

28:09stocking the shelves with candy triggered the  memory of my dad luring me to the car with candy

28:18so you see how the most benign thing   with this kind of background  the most benign thing like m m’s

28:29um could make you just go and i went  totally i would go possum they say  

28:36fight flight i did the freeze that was my go-to  mechanism was freeze so get back to my brother  

28:48and he had these two things in the sentence so i  thought okay i can but oh they say tank rituals  

28:54he’s you know my brother i think he’s a little bit  you know i don’t think he’s really got it yeah but  

29:01i’m not going to say that i love him i’m not going  to say we’ve been through this stuff and so i   didn’t say anything to him but privately i thought  this is you know but then i started to have some  

29:14interesting experiences my husband’s iranian  we went to iran and i came back and i  

29:19came back with a curse from somebody who  was jealous in the family so i went to   a bodytalk practitioner who removed the curse  and i’m going okay this is really weird i mean  

29:30uh because i was getting all these symptoms  i’m very sensitive so i thought okay i didn’t  

29:36see how that was related to anything uh all  that’s related to is that i’m very sensitive  

29:42and so we moved to connecticut after  that my husband’s on a business trip  

29:51and as i’m starting to fall asleep there’s  this entity that comes from 20 feet away  

29:58now the room is only 10 by 10. but this entity  how do you know it came from 20 feet away  

30:06and its face was within six inches of  my nose and i knew it wanted my soul  

30:13and i thought oh my gosh i jumped out of  bed i go okay that wasn’t my imagination   that when i’m turning on all the lights  and i am i’m freaked out totally freaked  

30:24out and i go oh my god oh my god oh my god  my brother he’s right he’s right he’s right  

30:29and that was the experience that i had to have  so i’m going oh he’s on the west coast i can’t  

30:35talk to him yet so i’m waiting i couldn’t sleep  all night um so i waited until the morning to  

30:42to call him and he said oh yeah yeah that happened  to me for seven years i had to deal with it i go  

30:48what because yeah portals were opened while  we were going through these things so this  

30:54was like i’m going okay i need a healing team  i need to be with people who understand this so  

31:02that’s when i made the intention that okay  i need a healing team i i’m humpty dumpty  

31:08i need all the king’s horses and all the kings  because this is just i have no idea you know  

31:15what to do but in the meantime i’m learning to  do bodytalk which is an energy healing system  

31:21and i’m trying to help my kids overcome  you know the issues of our family because  

31:27you know i married somebody who was like  my father no not as bad right or nothing  

31:35physical or sexual happened to my kids but you  know the emotional trauma happened and um so  

31:43we get back to washington and uh then i find out  i need to divorce because i realized that um that

31:56my husband was with other people

32:02and i could hear him on the phone and in the  meantime he was you know he was telling me well  

32:07if you can’t if you can’t keep up with paying the  bills then we’re gonna have to just sell the house   you know and here i’m on disability and i’m really  scared and and so any kind of threat it was really  

32:21easy to threaten me because i was so trained  fast forward today man is absolutely scared of me

32:32i love you too you are so  powerful and just so resilient  

32:37just because i i stood up to it you  know i got narcissists worst nightmare  

32:43well what it was is the angels i believe that  angels came and brought me evidence and i said no   no no no this can’t oh i’m sorry we didn’t finish  the thing about the half truths when my brother  

32:54presented two things in one sentence i thought  that was a half truth that one happened to be a  

33:00whole truth so see this is where half truth can  get sticky so i wanted to button that topic up  

33:08so so anyway angels were showing me you know this  is what’s going on and you know you’re in a bad  

33:16situation and you gotta do something about this  and my daughter’s about to get married i’m going  

33:23why does this all have to come out before one  year so i went through the whole marriage like  

33:29thinking i was gonna either throw up or cry at any  minute so i kept you know hiding because i’m going  

33:34i got a divorce i got a divorce and i i gotta do  it on the slide because he’s gonna deny everything  

33:41whatever so so that set me on this course of of  doing this wonderful divorce uh which in itself  

33:49was a huge um event uh and it went on for three  years because you don’t threaten a narcissist  

33:57with divorce i found out i didn’t know what a  narcissist was until you know i started going  

34:03then i started okay hey i’m going into debt paying  all these lawyers i’m gonna get all the healers  

34:09and so it turned out that all the people i needed  showed up i went to this woman she was a family

34:18family therapist or something like that that i  had been referred to earlier because um i went  

34:24to this cranial sacral therapist thought you know  things aren’t going too right in your situation   maybe you want it but i i didn’t want to face that  i didn’t want to face that so i go to her finally  

34:36and then i go you know what i don’t care what she  thinks i’m gonna blurt everything out i told her  

34:42about the sra i told her about you know getting  um you know being prostituted i told her about  

34:49the sexual abuse and here i was ready for her to  just throw me out the door and she goes oh i know  

34:58just what you need you need a soul retrieval  and i just met the person that can help you  

35:06so i was like what i was you know prepared for  this you know really awful reaction so then  

35:13she sent me to this guy this medium uh  and so then i started uh healing with him  

35:20and uh because he can see your guides it’s  like you lay there and he’s talking to these  

35:26invisible beings whatever so i go to set up  my first appointment and this is something  

35:32for your audience to know if you’re dealing with  somebody with uh who’s had satanic virtual abuse  

35:40he said now there might be some voices in your  head they’re going to tell you that i’m evil or  

35:48that you couldn’t you shouldn’t come to see me or  your car might not start or whatever there might  

35:57be something that might try to prevent you from  coming you need to resist that and push through it  

36:07well i’ve got a real stubborn streak in me so that  it served me well i go okay i’m gonna anchor in  

36:15and sure enough you know the fears no i shouldn’t  go oh yes yes i’m going i’m going i’m going  

36:21so i went and uh my first appointment  lasted eight hours which was unusual and um  

36:29he said oh my gosh i’ve never seen anybody  release so much excuse my french the ssh

36:37in one session and um and so people  healers like that work with um

36:46in the world of spirit language is through images and animals and things  like that so it’s not always with words and  

37:00symbols lots of symbols right right and so he’s  trying to tell me about all these fantastic things  

37:06but what he does is he puts the protective you  know the the the christed light brings it in  

37:14makes everything protected whatever he goes  to open up the energy it was booby-trapped it  

37:22sent him onto his knees and he said if he didn’t  think quickly enough he would have died um but  

37:30he was able to he goes oh my gosh i should have  but he’d never dealt with somebody like me before  

37:36he’d never dealt with satanic ritual abuse  and then later i don’t know how far down the  

37:43rabbit hole we could go but there were  a lot of fantastic things that happened  

37:48there so in my journey uh discovering all i went  through the shock of discovery for two and a  

37:55half years of just discovering all these really  gnarly things and um but i couldn’t make it out  

38:02i can’t remember how far into that those two and  a half years i think it was like maybe six months  

38:08i was calling uh to make the  appointment with him i can’t understand   why would somebody go have all these things  happen to them would think that one of these  

38:17things would be enough and she said well haven’t  you heard of mk ultra like everybody knew about it  

38:24and i go no and she said and so she’s the one who  directed me to listen to kathy o’brien so then i  

38:31started listening to that and then that’s  when i started now i’m going through this  

38:38divorce at the same time i’m going through all  of these discoveries so i’m feeling like how am  

38:45i going to be able to hold this all together  so i’m generating a lot of fear i mean i was  

38:52experiencing re-experiencing terror terror can be  like your cells just exploding it can also come  

39:01as your blood just turning cold like ice so  i go oh wow i get i know all about fear and  

39:09terror isn’t how wonderful is it oh my gosh and  so you know you have to have some comic relief  

39:18along the way or else you’re gonna you know you’re  gonna give up so i’ve having all all this creepy  

39:25stuff is happening in the house and um we get a  cat i’m there just with my youngest daughter now  

39:33because the other two were off in college during  this divorce the divorce era so we get a cat  

39:39because we think okay if the cat’s bumping around  will go oh there’s another oh it must be the cat

39:46so we’re sitting at the kitchen counter  and we’re both feeling like this cold  

39:54like coming up our back and we could both feel  and how did we know the other one is feeling  

40:00the same thing this is this is the ministry of how  we’re all connected right so we look at each other  

40:06didn’t have to say anything so we go to  look back at the cat because we’re thinking   we’re both thinking that okay if the cat’s chill  it’s fine we look back at the cat and her first

40:20and we go no no no no

40:29not supposed to happen that way

40:34so there’s this one night i’m laying in bed  and i hear this knocking in the wall really  

40:41loud knocking and i’m scared half out of my  wood so i call the next morning i call the  

40:47medium so what’s going on and he goes that was  you you created elementals with your thinking  

40:57you see you’ve got to stop those fear thoughts  i’m going yeah i remember reading years earlier  

41:04in the hindu tradition they’re talking about how  thoughts were things oh my gosh i was living that  

41:10reality he goes you need to go into non-fear so my  whole education with this guy was as we’re going  

41:21and discovering things and that and then i went  to another therapist was bringing up the memories  

41:28and what their their back and  forth they were working in   tandem with each other i would go to  her i would journal i got this wonderful  

41:41dream interpretation book um by tony crisp oh  amazing i got it for a dollar at a book sale  

41:51and so i was interpreting my dreams and i’d go to  the therapist and she says where are you getting   this information i said this book i only spent  a dollar for it she goes that is i’ve been doing  

42:00this for 20 years this is the these are the best  interpretations so i i was getting really into  

42:07digging deeper i finally got out of the basement  of the house and i was getting into the house  

42:13and the house represents your your body and  going into the different rooms and so forth  

42:19and having experiences in that but then sometimes  they were actual like memories and then i would  

42:26um remember people doing things like i felt so  guilty because i knew they were doing stuff to  

42:34my brother who’s five years younger but the way it  came up in the dream is there were these big bears  

42:41and they were eating and i’m not and then i was  going oh i can’t save them from the bears because  

42:48i couldn’t go there to the literal but then when i  woke up i go oh i know what that was representing  

42:55so when people have these if if the trauma  is too great and they’re highly sensitive so  

43:02me being very sensitive that means  that all the torture i went through  

43:08was magnified oh yeah or than the average you know  an average person so i go to the the therapist  

43:18and oh i was going to cranial sacral therapy  the same not cranos visceral manipulation  

43:24then they work with the viscera i don’t know  if you’ve heard but it’s very very gentle very   and so he’s working on me one day and he asked me  oh were you involved in any rituals by any chance  

43:37i said well yeah uh i was and this i knew right i  was in the knowing and i said yeah i was uh used  

43:46in satanic ritual abuse he goes oh because i see  you laying on a slab with your hands and feet tied  

43:56so that’s all i needed i go okay so i took that  i go i’m not gonna i’m not gonna process this on  

44:03my own so i went to the therapist she did emdr  and she did it with the selenite stone which  

44:10doesn’t if you know about selenite it doesn’t  absorb any negative energies oh yeah i have one  

44:18um they’re just cool looking by the way um  so i go in there and i told her about this  

44:26and she goes okay let’s let’s do this let’s  go into there so we go into the memory now  

44:32how this felt like it was when i was five years i  felt like did you ever watch the movie the matrix  

44:39yeah you know when neo gets sucked  down that tube that’s what it felt  

44:45like i felt like this memory was physically  sucking me in down this tube to this place  

44:55and there i saw myself as a five-year-old i was  naked tied down to this stone altar which was  

45:07exactly the same altar by the way that they put  in the opening scene of sherlock holmes the movie  

45:13what the exact i go when i saw that movie i  go where how do they know what that’s supposed  

45:19to look like how do they know anyway so  but then i’m standing outside of myself  

45:29and i’m wearing clothes and my five-year-old stuff  and there’s this beautiful woman standing next to  

45:35me in this gossamer gown oh it just makes me  want to cry she’s so beautiful so gracious  

45:43and but i’m looking down at the child there  on there and then i see the three hooded  

45:48figures i can’t see their faces and they’re  saying well we can’t break her we can’t break her  

45:55but when i saw myself i  saw two of me i saw my head  

46:01one head going this direction and the other had  going that so there was there were two of me one   superimposed on top of the other and one was going  one direction the other one was going the other  

46:13that’s really weird so she helped me through  the experience it was really i was so grateful  

46:19there was somebody there i was thinking man this  woman isn’t running out of the room yet you know  

46:25and um so we got through that i calmed down  it was really nice to release that and so   then we knew i was right to go see the medium and  have the energy removed so this is how it works  

46:38they can’t release the the healer can’t take that  energy from you until you’ve learned the lesson

46:50until you got it okay so i learned well this  was i learned what happened and i got it  

47:00and there’s a lot of stuff that’s not at the  cognitive level so but anyway i go into him  

47:07and i said i saw two of me and he said  oh you saw two of you because one of you  

47:15you were separating whenever a a child or anybody  goes through trauma a piece of their soul leaves  

47:21and you are watching a piece  of your soul leave your body   i said why is that they said that’s to preserve  innocence so by me going through that reliving  

47:35it and understanding and by the way the woman  who was standing next to me was my higher self  

47:41so um so it was just it was it was a  very beautiful very beautiful scene so  

47:48he was able to do the soul retrieval where not  only was i able to retrieve my soul you don’t  

47:58do your entire soul right a piece of your soul  so we were able to bring back that piece of my  

48:04soul from that incident and then he said and  then he brought in all the pieces from my  

48:10soul from all the past life because i’ve been  tortured every single lifetime up to this one

48:18that’s the kind of soul i’ve got i guess i don’t  know but anyway he said was like a light he said i   wish you could see it all the lights are coming  in and he’s saying yeah and he’s he’s having a  

48:26wondrous time and i’m feeling really good i go oh  wow this is so cool i get to be whole again well  

48:35that was just the beginning because there  was so much i had to do to become whole um  

48:42but that’s it’s just an amazing amazing  thing to happen to be able oh he said that um  

48:53yes this can only happen because the  energies of course this was in 2007 or eight  

49:01so the energies finally opened up for us to be  able to do this this was not possible until now  

49:08so this is a message of hope  to everybody and since then   the healing energies have been opening up and  opening up and oh and the consciousness of  

49:20everybody going through their traumas i know  that was is was not fun like it wasn’t fun for  

49:27me to go through the divorce and everything but  you know i learned i go wow i cannot be a victim  

49:34i have to stand up for myself nobody’s going  to stand up for now i’ll go back to the matrix  

49:40again i love this scene it’s one of my favorite  movies the scene where neo is uh going to rescue  

49:49morpheus morpheus is tied to the chair and he  can barely just he can just barely function  

49:57that’s a really good analogy for us because  neo the one could save him only when morpheus  

50:08tried to save himself he had to get up  out of the chair and meet him halfway  

50:17beautiful metaphor beautiful metaphor  and so this is where we have to you  

50:22know as individual no matter what we’ve gone  through and everybody’s gone through stuff   recently everybody and if you haven’t  personally know somebody and that affects you  

50:34and to just know that this is part of our actually  you know we’re growing up we’re growing out  

50:41of it you know it’s uh you know a child when  they’re growing how they’ll have growing pains   you know so we’re having growing pains i’ve  gone off on tangents so please uh help me  

50:54oh my gosh all that was so valuable no  thank you okay because i want to make   sure i’m not just rambling on and not giving  me i want to be giving uh useful information  

51:05uh that will empower people because there was  so much i learned along the way so much because  

51:12i was there wasn’t a day that didn’t pass that  i wasn’t focused on healing because i so badly  

51:19my entire adult life i was in utter  pain and um you know i’ve come recently  

51:28i was able to let go of the ptsd and  the last piece of that was nutritional  

51:37because so what with the fires here in california  uh three was it three and a half years ago i  

51:44was i came down with dementia because of the  toxins in the air you know the when you have  

51:51med heavy metals in the brain is what causes  dementia and i knew that i’m like oh my gosh  

51:58i need a detox system i’m not around healers here  um who can help me i’ve got to do this on my own  

52:04and so that’s when i came upon medical medium and  i started using his protocols for detoxification  

52:11i was able to reverse the dementia in three months  oh my gosh in three months and the bonus was  

52:21my ptsd fully lifted because and then i read it  in his books i go oh the neurotoxins in the brain  

52:28don’t let you completely heal from the ptsd  i did all the spiritual and emotional work  

52:35but i wasn’t able to you know i things would  still like you know startle me and i go whoa  

52:42and oh i don’t have photophobia anymore i  thought i was just born with photophobia  

52:48and photophobia is when lights hurt your eyes you  know any overhead light would just i was always  

52:55the house was always dark because the lights would  hurt my eyes the sun wouldn’t hurt my eyes and go   oh the sun is oh and i don’t have acid reflux  anymore so it was you know when you do the  

53:07holistic thing so here’s another message is  that we’ve got to address we’ve got to address  

53:14our well-being at every level of our beingness  our nutrition our thinking our beliefs and  

53:24we don’t have enough time to go into that  into the belief thing but the beliefs are  

53:29this time uh the beliefs are the drivers of our  you know if you’ve listened to bruce lipton and  

53:36all of those people they  definitely are the drivers   uh so i’ll give an example of this one so yeah  i tell people who become like a sherlock holmes  

53:48uh when you have curious things going on  in your life and they’re unexplainable  

53:53uh try to find out well what is the what is going  on in my subconscious that’s driving this and um  

54:02this is before the divorce area era  and this is when i was sick on the   couch a lot and my oldest daughter was in high  school she invited me to go to this really cool  

54:13you know um bookstore in seattle and so we were  going to go there and look at the tarot cards and  

54:20fun stuff and and um and then go out for  a hamburger so we went out together i had  

54:28a lovely time i was going wow i’m having such a  great time this is wonderful oh and we get home  

54:34not only like 10 minutes after getting home i  get this immense pain all over my body and i  

54:40have to go to the couch and i’m laying down on  the couch and i’m going wait a minute i wasn’t  

54:45exposed to any toxins i was going through  my checklist i had a wonderful time oh my  

54:50gosh i got to be with my you know with my teenage  daughter who wouldn’t want that you know we went  

54:57there was there were no negatives  like how is it that i am just so sick  

55:04and then i laid there and i call it tuning in  that’s some people call it praying opening up  

55:11meditating then the information came in oh i  had the belief that it was forbidden to have fun  

55:21so i automatically punish myself with  physical pain the brain will just it’s like  

55:28oh okay i’m on to you so i use the eckhart  tolling method where you’d be the watcher  

55:34and i invite anybody who hasn’t read his  stuff go read his stuff amazing so i read  

55:40him for he was he was my guru for three full  years every day just listening to him and um  

55:49so i thought okay the next time this happens  i’m going to catch it and so it only happened  

55:58just a few more times and each time i didn’t get  as sick and it didn’t last long so i was able to  

56:05undo but i had to shed the light of knowledge onto  that belief we have these beliefs that we really  

56:14were totally unaware of and i didn’t think when  i went to the pain study they had me go through  

56:21cognitive therapy i don’t know if you’ve heard  of that right so it’s very left brain you write  

56:26down what your thoughts are whatever and they had  me have this little timer that would go off and  

56:33i had to write down whatever was  in my mind when the timer went off   i was so shocked because i thought i was a  positive thinker because i was i was listening  

56:43to zig zigler and all these positive thinking  people brian tracy tony robbins you name it right  

56:52and i couldn’t believe the thoughts i was i was  embarrassed in front of myself so that’s another  

57:00exercise that i’d invite everybody to go through  to go out and clean out that library because guess  

57:07what it is uh it can create disease or it can  create problems in relationships problems with  

57:16money you name it it’s gonna it’s gonna pop up  as a problem somewhere because why because then  

57:24the problem is just the messenger hey you see this  you see this this is not the way we’re meant to be

57:33we’re meant to be in balance we’re meant to be  in harmony but um coming out of this era that we  

57:42learned through opposites we learned  love by experiencing hatred we learn  

57:49loyalty by experiencing betrayal etc etc we’re  letting go of that the new way is coming and the  

57:59new way of teaching we don’t teach so much at the  way like instructing we teach by example being an  

58:09example and then people will say oh and that’s  what happened to eckhart tolle you know he just  

58:18he was this example of total bliss people said  well how did you do that he goes i don’t know i  

58:23guess i gotta go get this out so then he started  studying so he could have words for it and um and  

58:31so he’s in another another amazing uh guide for  there’s so many beautiful souls out there giving  

58:38us the information for when we’re ready for it  the teacher arrives when the student is ready

58:49and um so that’s where we’re at you know we  will come because i mean i wasn’t ready people  

58:55there were clues about my past there were clues  about my marriage all the you know when i started  

59:02reading the books i’m going oh my god oh my god  it was right there it was right there oh my god   it was right in front of my nose but it’s so  unconscious you know and one of the things that  

59:12i love that that you talk about is you know two  things the how you talk about serotonin and how  

59:21people are chasing that unconsciously and looking  for chaos in their life chaotic relationships  

59:28and don’t realize that it’s serving a human need  that they can replace that habit and that belief  

59:33with something else but they’re so tied up and  unconsciously you know seeking in relationships  

59:39are these patterns you know and not understanding  the physiology of why they keep making those  

59:45same choices over and over again you know  so many of us get caught in that even people   you know i’ve done that in my life where i’ve  repeated you know the same patterns and dated  

59:54the same people even though in the beginning i’m  like oh this person’s so different and then you   know a year down the road it’s like wait a minute  how did i end up in this exact same spot you know  

1:00:05do you have anything to contribute to that i  love how you talk about the serotonin aspect  

1:00:10and how oh yes yeah well the patterns it’s the we  have these vibrational patterns so for me because  

1:00:18i had all this trauma and the type of trauma  i had i attracted all kinds of bizarre weird  

1:00:26things and people but at the same time okay i i  have to give the message this is a little sidebar  

1:00:34that you know talk about all these awful things  but along the way there were these i was being  

1:00:39protected when i was two years old or going  through this kind of thing the child will try to  

1:00:47annihilate itself instinctively so i kept trying  to kill myself and my poor mother was trying to  

1:00:54she was if you could just stay alive till you’re  five could get you to kindergarten um so but i  

1:01:01we were the family went to uh visit uh my aunt  in petaluma who lived on this really steep hill  

1:01:09uh back then the breaks were this like a little  stick that you would just pop and then it would oh  

1:01:18it would release the break my older sister got in  to to play in there you know she wouldn’t let me  

1:01:25have a turn because i was the younger sister right  so i got down my turn when she was out of the car  

1:01:31i’m in there two and a half years old the car  starts rolling down the steepest hill in petaluma  

1:01:39going across the busiest road and i remember going  because i was steering like this i was going up  

1:01:46one side walked out so i slowed  down a little bit i went across   the intersection without hitting a car jumped the  curb uh went head-on into a tree totaled my dad’s  

1:02:01it wasn’t his car it was his company car um of  course there are no seat belts back then if i was  

1:02:08if there were i wouldn’t put them on anyway right  two two and a half years old they run they find  

1:02:14out what hap what’s happening they see the cars  missing out oh my gosh and my mom had just lost my   my god my sister linda to she was a blue baby  she was going oh my gosh i’ve lost another child  

1:02:26they ran down there and they found me all  curled up on the seat my mom thought i was dead  

1:02:33when they reached in i didn’t have a bruise or  a scratch and i swear there was a cat on the  

1:02:42seat with me my memory is that there’s a cat and i  ran this my doctor couldn’t he said oh yeah we all  

1:02:49have these little spirit guides so anyway that  was a a side remark i wanted to bring up that  

1:02:54we have these these beautiful experiences  along the way if we’re meant to stay alive  

1:03:04the universe is going to find a way to keep us  alive right and if it’s time for us to go it’s  

1:03:10time for us to go so that’s where we can let go  of the fear of death it’s going to happen when it  

1:03:17is supposed to it’s never going to be  an accident you might have an excuse  

1:03:24oh you fell off the cliff or whatever that might  be the excuse but the timing is is something that  

1:03:31has been like programmed if you will so you  can just let go of that fear of death now i  

1:03:39forgot where we were uh i forgot the trail  so get me back on that troll oh the series  

1:03:45yes so um the serotonin yeah i kept attracting uh  all these people and then when i was told that i  

1:03:54was gonna continue to have uh by this time it was  you know it was one stop shopping with my husband  

1:04:03because i got out of him what what i got from  my dad from my mom my older sister she was set  

1:04:09up as a as uh my enemy you know she wanted  to be my friend uh and look at the outside  

1:04:16world there see what happens to us yeah but she  wanted to be my friend but it was the control  

1:04:21issue so anyway he was able to trigger me in  all you know from all of these these memories  

1:04:30and so i’m being taught okay i’m going through  the divorce so i go okay i decide to let go of  

1:04:35that but now i was still having all of  the pain and the anguish and the fear  

1:04:41and um i’m still working on non-fear and this  is when i was told that yeah my serotonin i was  

1:04:48getting my serotonin because how can i get rid  of i finally make the decision i’m doing what i’m   supposed to how come all this stuff keep happening  and um it was because i had to keep producing  

1:05:01aces so you need to find ways to pull back from  that need and that’s when i decided that i would  

1:05:10get excited whenever i saw a butterfly or a sunset   now people want proof what about this serotonin  thing there’s a really interesting experience  

1:05:21i had i was working with somebody who had one  of these really advanced biofeedback machines  

1:05:30and the biofeedback uh said that i was addicted  to the victim on i went into i was so upset i  

1:05:41go oh my gosh when can i just be addicted  to alcohol or something normal like that

1:05:49don’t they know what to do with that don’t  they but when you’re addicted to victim   how do you so that’s how i kept bringing  in experiences to make me a victim and  

1:06:00uh and so she said hey but there’s this  button here where you can reverse that  

1:06:06i go okay well let’s try this now it wasn’t  in her training um so we were experimenting  

1:06:16and i almost lost my life because it  turned out to be my core personality  

1:06:22was victim and so i stopped producing  serotonin and i could hardly lift my arm

1:06:34so i check in with the healer and he says well  you were lucky you didn’t die because but you’re   an old soul so you got through it but so that’s  my proof when when my core identity was reversed  

1:06:49and of course it didn’t stick because i  wasn’t ready for it i didn’t have the lesson  

1:06:55and so here i’m going to hound it in when you get  the lesson things have the permission to disappear  

1:07:03from your life so i had to get the lesson  to stand up for myself i knew i needed to  

1:07:10do that but i had to pray and it is so hard it was  excruciating to stand up for myself when i wasn’t  

1:07:21when i was trained to do otherwise and people  who are brought up in more uh sane families uh  

1:07:31more healthy families where they teach the child  to have a sense of self they can’t relate to  

1:07:37that and they can’t relate to why would a woman go  back to an abusive relationship and it’s like this  

1:07:44magnetic thing you you don’t you know you see it  you and you but then your mind has to excuse it oh  

1:07:53well he’ll get better and so your mind will  come in and make the excuses but it’s not your  

1:07:58mind that’s doing it it’s this it’s just like  this magnetic attractor that you need that to  

1:08:06stay alive and be safe in an insane way and in  the case of a woman who’s with an abuser well  

1:08:16she sometimes she ends up getting killed but she  was safe in the sense that this is where she felt  

1:08:25familiar yes so we feel safe around that which  is familiar that’s why we have xenophobia  

1:08:34you know when you’re in a room  full of people who are not like you   you know you you don’t feel if they’re all  dressed different or whatever is because they’re  

1:08:44not familiar maybe there’s nothing wrong with them  but that’s part of our programming that we need to  

1:08:53mindfully deconstruct so that we  understand when something truly is  

1:09:01a threat and it truly isn’t a threat but you can  apply this to like refugees people you know i  

1:09:09have a daughter living in sweden and they were bri  they’ve been bringing refugees up there for quite  

1:09:14some time and the people there would complain they  go wait a minute these these refugees they don’t  

1:09:21they’re bringing refugees from the middle  east where they’re going through tons of   trauma bombs you name it you know um and they  bring them up to sweden where i don’t know if  

1:09:32you’ve ever been to sweden but there ain’t much  going on there you know it’s just like oh you know  

1:09:39everything’s nice you know they’re  very even-tempered you know  

1:09:46they would never invite tony robbins there  believe me he’s too out there for them so  

1:09:55but they don’t understand when they bring these  refugees and they go well wait a minute they’re   in this safe place and they’re going bananas  this is because when you you took away too much  

1:10:07of their trauma too fast without training their  nervous system to adapt to this new form of safety  

1:10:22and so i was just pulling right when i was seen  and people hearing people on the new you know   talking about you know complaining  about them how they were ungrateful  

1:10:31or they’re just you know impossible or whatever  but some of them you know did adapt but it was  

1:10:38a big it’s a big problem and it’s a big problem  around the world because we have lots of refugees  

1:10:43and so and then they end up being a lot of them  will end up being um mugged they’re the ones who  

1:10:51are getting mugged and so forth it’s not because  they’re bad or they deserve it it’s because they   still have this energy pattern of trauma so as a  species we need to recognize cycles of trauma and  

1:11:07stop the cycle of trauma and heal the people and  we don’t discount anybody’s story no matter how  

1:11:16wild because when you invalidate somebody  that’s what happened to me i went to the  

1:11:22psychiatrist i just did that because i was in  the divorce you can only go to the people who are  

1:11:30um certified by the court right you know as bona  fide uh what they call experts and of course  

1:11:40i went to him and and because i needed  i needed something for my nerves   and um he said well point blank he says i was  taught that that’s a fantasy there’s no such  

1:11:49thing as satanic virtual abuse and that it’s  all your imagination he told me point blank   and he was a very good soul a very good-hearted  person but he believed his training  

1:12:02so this is where we’ve got to do the education  and also you know like when i meet a schizophrenic  

1:12:11now i don’t believe the story that they’re  telling me that all these people are after   them and all these wild things are happening but i  i take it in as if okay that’s really real to them  

1:12:26and they need to feel safe by somebody just  listening the act of compassionate listening  

1:12:34can be so healing and so this gets to  what i do in in my practice um it’s this  

1:12:44it was explained to me by the the term placticus  which is an aztec term for heart heart and so  

1:12:55the aztec shaman understood that if somebody’s  been through a trauma and they’ve completely  

1:13:02healed from it then when somebody comes to them  to simply talk to them and relate their experience  

1:13:11just by the act of communicating heart  to heart the wisdom of that healing  

1:13:18transfers to that person because that’s the  way we’re designed how beautiful is that  

1:13:28so that’s why i got so excited that i go oh  i got clear though i don’t have any demons   no no no that stuff i got i was vetted by  more than one healer i said are you sure  

1:13:40are you sure i’m not going to do anything  crazy i don’t have any programming left or   you know and and also that i forgive  them and see what does it mean to forgive  

1:13:52is that my goal just like eckhart tolle explains  the goal wasn’t to forgive the goal was to heal  

1:13:59the forgiving comes as a natural byproduct because  you’re no longer placing blame on that person i  

1:14:09could see i could heal first like when i realized  that my father had to go through horrendous things  

1:14:18to do the horrendous things  to me because we don’t do this  

1:14:24you just don’t find a human being who will do  that naturally why do they have to train soldiers  

1:14:31to kills because it’s not our instinct to kill  okay so i had to go into that and go and then now  

1:14:40this might be a little bit much for some people  but i i do believe that we make soul contracts  

1:14:48and um and i did have a soul contract with my  father to do this um and he actually did a service  

1:14:58because this was the excuse that got  me to the healer so that i could go   and retrieve all my soul pieces from past lives  and that i had worked with him in lives prior  

1:15:10where we were what do you call it uh we  were supports for each other this time  

1:15:19he had to play this role unfortunately when  we come into these roles sometimes we forget

1:15:28well most of the time we forget and we can  get distracted by the role and we can go a  

1:15:34little too far whatever and um but he did wake  up when i was around 11 12 and he realized  

1:15:47what he was doing and so he got both me and my  brother out of the program and he knew it would  

1:15:55mean his death so he died of cancer a very slow  long slow death which people will say that was a  

1:16:08good way for him to release karma from what he did  now this is an interpretation not everybody has to  

1:16:14buy into it but it helps me feel more at peace and  i’ve communicated with him many times uh since my  

1:16:26deepest healing and i’m grateful to him because he  in my view he made the greater sacrifice because  

1:16:35his soul had to go through so much healing at the  soul after doing when a soul performs these types  

1:16:45of acts here you don’t just go back to your review  board and they say oh bad jobs you do it you know  

1:16:54oh we think you know this might be you  know no you have some things that really  

1:17:00deeply need to be healed and of course  you’re supported by angelic beings uh  

1:17:07but it was it’s taken him a while and i’m so  grateful because now i understand that this was  

1:17:19our agreement now of course to die you told if you  told me this when i first started that i go what

1:17:28but it took this evolution where i could  see this and i start i read the book uh   sacred contracts by carolyn miss also if  you read louise hay you can heal your life  

1:17:40she talks about this and so when we we  realized that we are more in command than we  

1:17:50think we are and then we can understand that we’re  truly not victims and that we can okay i’m not a  

1:18:01victim anymore okay this doesn’t just reverse just  by thinking that you have to retrain you know and  

1:18:07there’s certain circumstances where i go like okay  i’m an older person right the computer sometimes

1:18:18i have issues with the computer my relationship  with the computer and that will set me off and  

1:18:26i have to be careful because i’ll affect  it so i go okay i’m sorry i’m sorry sorry

1:18:34yeah i can yeah i don’t want to blow up  my computer it’s my friend but sometimes   you know getting on websites and trying to  negotiate them uh but we’re here for experiences  

1:18:46uh but how can we support the people who are  going through these experiences right now  

1:18:51we can surround them if you’re not in the  front lines okay we’re not in the front lines  

1:18:58if you’re not in the front lines  send everyone compassion all those  

1:19:05involved for me to he see to be healed i had to  look down at my abuse and i had to look at myself  

1:19:14as an equal with all the other players and i had  to send compassion and forgiveness because then i  

1:19:22forget i i would uh feel blame you know why did i  allow this to happen you know these human selves  

1:19:31these ideas that we get we get these really  crazy crazy notions and we beat ourselves up  

1:19:39and i became an expert at beating myself up so i  know and it doesn’t take severe trauma to do that

1:19:50a hundred percent that’s so beautiful and i love  that you you know it’s always controversial when  

1:19:57i talk about not just forgiveness but  in looking at multiple different lenses  

1:20:06whenever we think about abusers right because  when you say i’m going to forgive somebody  

1:20:12or i’m trying to understand how that person got  to where they are people misinterpret that as  

1:20:18we have empathy and excuse what they did right  but that’s the piece that’s really missing for  

1:20:24a lot of society that does know that this goes on  is and it’s very justified the the emotions that  

1:20:31stir up when people learn are you know anger  and you know just being so mad and enraged  

1:20:36and infuriated and i think that’s justified but  when we don’t sit here and say we need to have a  

1:20:43better understanding of this we need to understand  how a perfect innocent child that’s born without  

1:20:50hate without any notion of abuse what happens  between then and when they do become abusive  

1:20:58right and so we’re kind of at the point where  we we can understand what an innocent child   looks like we know what abuse looks like  but bridging that gap between what happens  

1:21:08that’s where i think the compassion  comes in is to realize oh my gosh   what makes a person be so evil that it’s beyond  the comprehension of people who hear about it  

1:21:19you know these are people that were inflicted with  so much trauma had no idea what love was you know  

1:21:25that’s not like you said a natural thing for you  know somebody to grow up and say i’m just gonna  

1:21:31perform horrific you know rituals on my  children and prostitute them out you know and   again it doesn’t excuse what people do but i love  that you’re shedding light on that just because  

1:21:41i do think that in healing as a society  and in being there for survivors   survivors are always the ones i’ve never had  a survivor on my show who was like i freaking  

1:21:51hope that that all my abusers die and that they  die these horrific deaths you know they’re like   i hope justice comes i want to get justice but you  know that was my dad or that was my somebody in my  

1:22:01life that i loved not somebody that i wish would  heal i wish they would come to the side that i’m  

1:22:06on you know and i wish i could understand or pull  them out of that and so i really appreciate you  

1:22:13talking about that just because i think that’s  really hard for people who haven’t gone through   that and who have never traversed such a deep  level of healing to understand the layers of  

1:22:24how to come out on the other side and to be able  to look at the world in a l with a lens that is  

1:22:31with compassion and love and empathy and to have  that be the frequency that you want to remain on  

1:22:37instead of continuing to dip into these anger and  fear patterns you know because like how you said  

1:22:43that stores in our body you know manifest even if  it’s not trauma that we took on if it’s a reaction  

1:22:49of something we’re continuously reacting to that’s  i mean they want that you know abusers want us in  

1:22:55a low vibration and even if that means that we’re  angry at them that’s narcissists get off on you  

1:23:00know us having a negative reaction to what they  do so it’s like our fear and anger reactions feed  

1:23:08what they want it makes them more powerful like  we’re connecting those emotions to them you know  

1:23:13and and i really appreciate that you kind of talk  about hey we need to we need to cut that cord you   know we need to focus on how do i become the best  version of me how do i raise my frequency and  

1:23:24not have these attachments to people other than  trying to understand while remaining in a place  

1:23:30of healing and you know higher frequency myself  well that this is what jesus came to teach yes  

1:23:38when he was okay if you’re you have a problem  with forgiveness then what about when he’s on the  

1:23:44cross in the middle of being tortured and he says  father forgive them for they know not what they do

1:23:56he knew how to hold compassion even while  abuse was being perpetrated upon him  

1:24:08in the moment so i thought okay i learned how  to forgive something in the past now my goal  

1:24:15is to be able to forgive in the moment the  way it’s portrayed in this beautiful story  

1:24:21and that and we focus on all the trauma and  you know the nails and we get all we get all um  

1:24:29distracted by the story and you go wait you forgot  the whole point the whole point look at what he’s  

1:24:36doing his most beautiful thing he’s saying at this  time and we’re not talking about that part of the  

1:24:45story that that is the big part of the story and  it’s compassion you know what compassion is and i  

1:24:54love i got this definition from anthony williams  compassion is love that understands suffering

1:25:06yes so the world needs compassion so if a person  sees a terrible thing and they’re feeling like  

1:25:17oh i’m so angry or they want revenge whatever if  they couldn’t leave but they’re sending actually  

1:25:23it’s eating themselves right so when we anybody  that we destroy it’s actually affecting anybody  

1:25:30else so when you’re imploding on yourself you’re  doing a disservice to humankind so you’re not  

1:25:37you’re not separate from everybody so be good  to yourself be kind to yourself and go okay  

1:25:43i went through this anger i’ve  got this i get to process it   how can i transmute it to at least a place of  neutrality so that i’m not feeding the flame  

1:25:56okay and um we can still talk about these  things there are to be able to talk about  

1:26:05things without getting overly emotional  we get overly emotional when we still  

1:26:12have unhealed pieces when i listened so one of the  things i wanted to do to vet myself to see okay  

1:26:18can i really help people is i watched uh several  of the trials of the itnj have you heard of them  

1:26:28no i don’t think so the international tribunal of  natural justice and they interviewed um the gal  

1:26:36from australia wow i forgot her name but i saw her  name listed on your website um so they interviewed  

1:26:47is it it’s an international tribunal now  the people these sra survivors mk ultra um  

1:26:55this survivor and the people from the other  side who came to this side came in with their  

1:27:01documentation and said this is what i have the  documentation the police records this this this  

1:27:07this so i could and they would go explicitly  into the tortures and what happened to them  

1:27:17and i found that i was able to hold compassion  around that and i didn’t go into reaction so  

1:27:24that was my test for myself i’m going okay i did  heal that i did heal that and even if i don’t do  

1:27:33anything further with that healing because i’m  connected to everybody that’s helping everybody  

1:27:43in some way so we all can be of service just by as  michael jackson says no look the man in the mirror  

1:27:53take care of the man the woman in the mirror  take care of that person in the mirror give that  

1:27:59person compassion give the fur in order to get to  forgiveness now this was the hard part of the path  

1:28:05for giving the self that’s why i like  the ho’oponopono prayer because it’s very  

1:28:10general and um it’s like you’re talking from both  sides when you’re saying the ho’oponopono prayer  

1:28:19i am sorry please forgive me thank you i  love you this is from the hawaiian tradition  

1:28:27and it’s just i sing it it says it and oh my  gosh i’m going to tears you know and i had to  

1:28:34do a lot of healing around my father and with  all the over this is the other thing i want  

1:28:39to pass on that was very fascinating to me in my  healing with all the over-the-top stuff my dad did  

1:28:46whereas my mom was just kind of like a she  was there she had her hands tied if she said  

1:28:52anything she’d get thrown in the loony bin  she couldn’t you know yeah he’s threatened  

1:28:58to to put her away your mom wasn’t involved she  was being abused also yes and she was 15 years  

1:29:05younger so she was like one of the kids i mean  she was so she was in that category but my mother

1:29:16rejected me because um she got married to  my father because she got pregnant with me  

1:29:28so she blamed me for all of her problems so from  the very get-go she rejected me in my healing  

1:29:41the deepest hurt was being rejected by my mother  it wasn’t the satanic rituals it wasn’t the  

1:29:50prostitution it wasn’t being abused physically  and sexually by my father it was being rejected  

1:29:56by my mother hurt me more deeply so folks take  that one and understand the power of the mother  

1:30:07and if you don’t love your child please  allow somebody else to love that child

1:30:18so um that was i i just i was flabbergasted   now this took years of of healing but that was  really hard that was really hard and it’s so  

1:30:30understandable you know that’s something if people  just had a great relationship with their mother  

1:30:35you know you don’t realize like you know one of my  guests that i had on john paul rice he talks about  

1:30:42children babies the the mother and the father  those are like god to the child you know the child  

1:30:47doesn’t that’s their hold they eat breathe live  their parents they’re dependent on them that’s   the only things that the child knows and depends  on every day are the parents and the mother you  

1:30:57know that connection and when you don’t have  that the different side effects that end up  

1:31:03unconsciously you know holding performing and  being created in that in that child’s young  

1:31:09impressionable mind you know it’s that’s another  thing i don’t think as a society we we’ve gotten  

1:31:16away from that you know there obviously is an  agenda to break up the family unit which has been   very successful in a lot of ways but then there’s  also you know women empowerment which is so great  

1:31:27but at the same token it it’s putting pressure on  women to say you’re worthless if you are at home  

1:31:32being a mom you need to be out working and be you  know a badass woman and you know a boss babe and  

1:31:39you know again not that i have anything  against women who work but that  

1:31:45that young baby and that young child just needing  that i don’t think people realize you know  

1:31:51the extent of damage it does when that mother’s  not there for the child so i appreciate you  

1:31:57talking about that a little bit yes and there’s  something energetic called the mother chord that  

1:32:04doesn’t exist there’s no father chord the child  it’s it’s like an uh an energetic embolical

1:32:15psychological level we say that the child needs  attachment you know that’s the good form of  

1:32:22attachment we’re talking you know in the religious  spiritual sense we don’t want to be attached right  

1:32:27but we’re talking in the psychological um  form with uh children is that the small  

1:32:34child attaches and so this is an abuse that just  is absolutely awful is corporate daycare i had i  

1:32:45i ended up working corporate daycare a few years  ago and i’m going why spirit why did you send me  

1:32:50here and i go oh my gosh i felt like i was at the  other end of the abuse here i’m with the clipboard  

1:32:58and what they did is they had it i was in the  infant room and i can’t remember if we had  

1:33:0510 or 12 babies uh for two adults every two  hours we had to change the diaper every two  

1:33:13for each child every two hours we had to feed  each child and we had to record all of this  

1:33:21on two on a piece of paper and also on a tablet  and send the information to the parents so the  

1:33:27parents knew in time real time your child  just pooped and this is how much they so we  

1:33:33had no time to hold the babies they’re crying i  thought the first three days i thought i’m gonna  

1:33:40i’m gonna lose it i’m gonna cry i mean oh my god  i feel like an abuser and everybody think nobody  

1:33:46thinks anything is wrong with this and i’m  going so we have to open our eyes where we go  

1:33:54wait a minute we really have to understand what  it really means to be in a human body i do believe  

1:34:02that we’re spirits that live in human bodies  but when we’re in this body we need to respect  

1:34:09what i call our the is the setup and  the setup is this bonding that happens  

1:34:15with the child and is specifically  with them now the father is important   but the mother is like if the mother rejects  the child it is it runs deeper and uh so  

1:34:33i i thought that is something that people really  really need to know and we need to support  

1:34:38motherhood yes we need to support it and that  women don’t have to go out there and they make  

1:34:45great managers uh this is the time of the divine  feminine energy is rising but we need balance we  

1:34:52need we need the divine masculine as well as the  divine feminine and this is what comes together  

1:34:59and this is where we have the father the  mother and the child the first the first  

1:35:05trinity the father mother child and um if we  don’t solve that triangle the spiritual okay  

1:35:15let me talk about the spirit path directly  that if a person wants to heal from this  

1:35:22abuse they have to be on a spiritual path there’s  no no it doesn’t matter what religion you’re  

1:35:32okay i’m not telling you have to be this  religion or that religion spiritual meaning  

1:35:38you’re connected to the source to god whatever  you want to call it something bigger than yourself  

1:35:47and understand that you are more than you extend  way beyond the limits of your skin and people are  

1:35:57telepathic it just you know it’s i can just keep  talking and talking i am so sorry we’re going on a  

1:36:03bit over time here so we have no i appreciate you  and i would love to have you on again i feel like  

1:36:10we just kind of scratched the surface on some  things and i know like how i told you before we   started recording you’re somebody i could have on  500 times and always have something to talk about  

1:36:20so i appreciate you i think this was a great  you know way for people to get to know you who  

1:36:25maybe haven’t heard your story yet and i i mean  i’ve learned a lot from listening to the other  

1:36:32interview that you sent me and then just how you  word things i think you take really hard concepts  

1:36:37and break them down in ways that people can digest  and understand you know and i love that you’re out  

1:36:43there talking about a lot of this because not  many people are and and hopefully that’ll change  

1:36:48i know more and more people are out there talking  about it you know but it starts with people like   you that are willing to be first and to pave the  way even if for years and years and years just  

1:36:57like with kathy o’brien like i can’t imagine  coming out and talking when when she started  

1:37:02or even you know when you did or some of  these other amazing women who started talking  

1:37:07way before you know these last few years when  people like me have woken up to it you know   so i just i honor you for everything that you’ve  done because i can’t i can’t fathom what you’ve  

1:37:17been through and i’m so sorry for everything  you’ve been through and i’m so inspired by what   you’ve done with it you know you’ve done more with  your life and understand more in your life than  

1:37:26most people who haven’t gone through trauma you  know and i just think as a world we have so much   to learn from all of you on what we’re capable  of and healing and these really complex things  

1:37:37that happen as a result from trauma and abuse  and you know i’m grateful that that you came  

1:37:42on and shared space with me today and i’d love  for you to if you want to just talk for just a   minute about positive shifting where people  can find you and connect with you with that  

1:37:52and we can obviously bring you one again and  talk more in depth about it but i think that’s   really special that that you know you’re doing  this work and i’d love to share it with people  

1:38:01oh thank you oh well um it’s positiveshifting.com  uh i do spiritual coaching um and basically um  

1:38:11the vast majority of people come to me have no  idea what my background is they just know that i  

1:38:17have a trauma background i don’t go into detail  because it’s it’s still not very relatable and  

1:38:26um and i didn’t want to make that my identity  either it’s something that happened to me  

1:38:34it’s like you know do you say that since you went  to this gym and now you’re a bodybuilder you know  

1:38:40forever you know you went i went to the gym  and i worked out you know i’m not a bodybuilder   so um and and i just it’s for  people who are serious about  

1:38:52becoming what they were meant to be you know  uncovering that diamond i believe that everybody’s  

1:38:58like got this diamond uh inside that’s shining  uh but we can’t see it because it’s just been  

1:39:07you know layered over with experiences and  we’ve layered it over with the with beliefs  

1:39:13and things that hold us back so um it  just is so liberating to watch people  

1:39:21uh get those aha moments to know oh this is  who i really am and to but basically i have to  

1:39:31honor where they are at and i meet people where  they’re at and um and some people are just wanting  

1:39:39to just do better uh at their job and they want  to progress spiritually uh that way uh because 70  

1:39:53of the spiritual path is emotional processing so  people who are in his self-help and learning about  

1:40:01themselves are on the spiritual path and they  really well actually we all are on the spiritual  

1:40:06path you know whether we declare it or not but um  the people who are mindfully on the spiritual path  

1:40:13um is just most of it is because our connection  our interpreting devices are emotions  

1:40:23we we know what’s going on through our emotions  those are what give us cues and if we didn’t have  

1:40:30emotions then we wouldn’t this is the way we’re  set up as human beings right and we have very  

1:40:36intense emotions so we have to learn how um how  to use them as tools for our benefit instead of  

1:40:45becoming victims of our emotions so it’s all  about reframing i like to reframe things so  

1:40:52when somebody comes in i watch their speech  pattern and then i’ll go oh i see the theme  

1:41:01do you see the theme and then we pick up the  theme it’s not about the details we get caught  

1:41:07in the details just like jesus on the cross  we go oh my god the cross the thorns the blood  

1:41:14wait a minute what did he say what did he  say that was so profound you guys that was  

1:41:21it he came there with this beautiful message  so i want to end with that that you know um

1:41:30like to send everybody compassion and i invite  everybody to uh move into their compassion  

1:41:37for all the beings uh that exist here so that’s  just beautiful and are you on social media at all  

1:41:46or is your website the best place for people  to find you the website is the best place um  

1:41:52i’m not really good at social media i started  doing instagram but on instagram i just post  

1:42:00all of mostly uh my healthy food it kind of like  we had we didn’t talk about the um personality uh  

1:42:11disorder thing but it’s just kind of fun for me  that okay now i have this personality on instagram  

1:42:17and it’s all but it’s all about helping people  and i am going to i’m trying to figure out how to  

1:42:24put things out in snippets so that um  it’s digestible for the average person  

1:42:30not just for no i get to speak openly about  sra because of you but i don’t do that  

1:42:40uh i’m still sorting out how to to do  things without getting put in a niche  

1:42:46so i’m i want to reach as many people  as possible to tell them that you know  

1:42:52no matter who you are no matter what your  your background no matter what your journey  

1:42:57is healing is possible and joy is possible and  the rubber band effect is true i’ve talked about  

1:43:07that in the past but i got to experience it and  you’ve heard about the rubber band effect right  

1:43:13and so for listeners you know the the farther  back in darkness you go when you let go of  

1:43:18the rubber band the further you get so in  in november i was dealing with excess joy

1:43:29i was so ungrounded for a few weeks ago well  okay this is like anxiety because i still can’t  

1:43:34get pipe but it’s really cool

1:43:40that’s an imbalance and i went  to my naturopath she said well   i think that’s a good problem to have everybody  else has been coming in with depression so

1:43:51so there it’s like it these experiences  clean you out they scour you out  

1:43:58and if you can appreciate that  and appreciate your new vessel   if you will then you can go and and help other  people and spread the joy and um and the hope  

1:44:14well i’m so grateful for you you’re such a  beautiful soul and your heart just radiates   so brightly and and so does everything about you  and i’m so grateful that you chose to come on here  

1:44:23today and for people listening i will link her  website and then if she’s able to give me her  

1:44:28instagram handle do you have a handle are people  able to follow you on instagram or is that more   of like your personal page kind of no i i made  it public but you know it’s not going to be real  

1:44:38exciting stuff it’s going to be just fun little  things so it’s okay yeah i’ll have to figure  

1:44:47out how to like me and technology oh it’s always a  work in progress there’s so much and then once you  

1:44:53learn it they add new features and do new stuff  it’s just you know never ends so i’ll link all of  

1:44:59her information below in the show notes please  everybody continue to say prayers for kaelyn  

1:45:04as she continues to sort out how to best present  this information to the public and then speak out  

1:45:11on platforms like this i think everybody that  listens knows that spiritual attacks are real  

1:45:17and there’s a lot of opposition that doesn’t want  people like kaelin to have a voice and to be able  

1:45:22to to share this information so people like like  you and me can learn so continue to pray for  

1:45:28her go support her business follow her on social  media reach out to her contact her on her website  

1:45:34hire her and just shower her with love and and  compassion and take everything that she learned  

1:45:40and spread that love and compassion with everybody  that you come in contact with that that i think is   the best way that you can honor kaelyn and the  legacy that that she’s creating and gonna leave  

1:45:50behind so thank you all for listening god  bless you and we will see you all next week