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Jeopardy
Sports Jeopardy by Andy DolichDolich


Andy Dolich -- 2015

Name two professional sports teams which are featured in 
West Side Story

(Answer above Sonoma Raceway)


Andy Dolich has over five decades of leadership in the sports industry, including executive positions in the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, pro soccer and lacrosse. Presently Dolich is COO of the Fan Controlled Football League (FCFL) and teaches sports business at Stanford's School of Continuing Studies. Dolich is also co-author of the new book:
Pete
Outlaw's Outtakes 

11-18-2019 - Kaepernick
Colin Kaepernick in Atlanta, Saturday, Nov. 16, 2019

Knockin' on Heaven's Door
(a parable) 
by Pete Elman

Where: The Pearly Gates
When: The not-too-distant future
The occasion: A pre-screening
The characters:
SAINT PETER
ANGEL, his assistant
COLIN
DONALD

*                         *                         *                         *
PETER
(matter-of-factly) Okay, Angel, who do we have next?

ANGEL
Two candidates, sir. One is a young man, tall, very fit, with a soft smile and a lot of hair. The other, well, I can't tell his age, but he's wearing a suit with a long red tie, and his hair is very strange, almost orange. And they are both wearing baseball caps, sir.

PETER
Baseball caps? Very well, send in the first...

ANGEL
This way, young man.

PETER
And what is your name, son?

COLIN
Colin, sir.

PETER
(takes a few moments to peruse a written file) Hmm--it says here that you have been quite the controversial figure in your public life. To what do you attribute this notoriety?

COLIN
Well, sir, perhaps it's my chosen profession...and my beliefs.

PETER
That would be football? Aah, I have heard about this game...an exciting, popular, and very violent sport, yes?

COLIN
(looking down, apologetically) Yes sir, it is a violent sport-but I do love playing it, although I haven't been doing much of that lately...

PETER
I see. But I read here that, at the peak of what appears to be a successful career, you chose to speak out against violence. Can you explain?

COLIN
(takes a deep breath) I will try. As a child my parents instilled in me values that have guided me all my life. The violence I continue to speak out against is not the kind you find on the football field, sir, but rather in society itself.

PETER
And what might those values be, young man?

COLIN
Tolerance, compassion, patriotism and love, sir.

PETER
(reads further down the report) Then why did so many people react with scorn, insults and intimidation? And this is troubling--you were actually blackballed from playing the sport you loved?

COLIN
Yes, sir, I can explain. (points to the letters "BLM" on his cap) I have tried to speak for those less fortunate than myself, to advocate for fairness, justice and equal rights for all. I'd like to make the world a better place, sir.

PETER
How noble! But what about patriotism? I seem to remember back in '75-1775, that is-that old Tory Samuel Johnson said that it is "the last refuge of scoundrels." How do you define patriotism?

COLIN
What Johnson was calling attention to, sir, is that scoundrels, when challenged, will often use false patriotism in order to shut up their opponents. For me, patriotism means freedom--of speech, of religion, the press--what's in the first amendment to the Constitution. I believe that's what makes America great.

PETER
(smiling, looks at Angel, keys jangling) 
I've heard enough. Angel, please stamp the pre-approval form APPROVED. I look forward to seeing you again, son, but not for a while, I hope. Keep up the good work, and I hope you get a chance to play the game you love again.

COLIN
Thank you so much, sir. I've been ready, I stay ready, and I continue to be ready.**

PETER
Excellent. And this next candi- (he hears yelling and swearing) What in God's name is this commotion? SILENCE!

DONALD
(furiously searching his pockets, screaming) I'm not supposed to be here! I'm exempt! Where's my cellphone, goddammit?! There's no TV here-how in the hell can I watch "Fox and Friends?!" This is an outrage!

PETER
You will NOT take the Lord's name in vain up here, sir. But I do find it interesting you should mention my cousin Lucifer's neck of the woods...whatever. Angel, may I see the file?

ANGEL
(With a look of embarrassment, gestures to a table straining under the weight of ten large volumes)

PETER
Wait-that's all for him?

ANGEL
Uh, yes sir, he has an extensive file, much of it, I dare say, seems to reference, I don't know any other way to say it...bad behavior.

PETER
We get all kinds up here. (gestures towards Donald and points to the table) How do you explain this, sir?

DONALD
I don't have to answer these questions! Send your damn subpoena to my lawyers! (ranting now)
No collusion! No obstruction! No quid pro quo! Read the transcript! Look at my hat, for Chrissake!

PETER
I warned you about blasphemous language, sir. (looks at the man's red baseball cap) Okay, I'm looking. I see four letters; M-A-G-A. Can you please explain what these stand for? Might they also symbolize virtues like those the previous young man espoused?

DONALD
(his face getting redder, his voice louder) Virtues?! Are you kidding me? Fire the sons-of-bitches! How dare they take a knee? Send them back to their shithole countries!

PETER
Excuse me? Whatever. Let's get on with this, I don't have all day. Now it says here that you've committed some pretty serious offenses; against the law, your country, all of humanity, for that matter. Wow--this is quite an impressive list: collusion with a foreign power, conspiracy, endorsing white supremacists, breaking campaign finance laws, repeated obstruction of justice, witness tampering, perjury, fraud, embezzlement, tax evasion, bribery (voice gets louder here) sexual assault, kidnapping children, treason and even war crimes! I know my cousin would be thrilled to have you.How do you explain this, sir?

DONALD
(sweating profusely now) Fake news! Witch hunt! A scam! Deep state! Hillary's e-mails! Hearsay! No linkage! Hunter Biden!

ANGEL
This fellow seems a bit unhinged, sir.

DONALD
Where's my Roy Cohn?!!

PETER
I believe you're referring to your friend Mr. Stone, sir--actually he has a date with prison, so that might be a bit tricky. Oh, and next time we meet, I suggest you dress for a warm-weather climate. Angel, please stamp his form...

NOT APPROVED. Next candidate...
- - - - - - - - - - - -

** these words, directed to NFL owners, were spoken by Colin Kaepernick after his November 16 workout in Atlanta.

*          *          *

From 2000-2005 I wrote a column for the late great Oakland Athletics Fan Coalition (OAFC) entitled Elman Swings,
a play on the fact that I'm a musician. Some of you may remember the OAFC, an East Bay organization that at its peak had several thousand members devoted to keeping the A's in Oakland and guess what? They've succeeded. Perhaps one or two of you might remember my articles (more like rants) about baseball and society. So when the Ultimate Sports Guide asked me to compose regular screeds called Outlaw's Outtakes, how could I say "No?" ('Outlaw' is their nickname for me.) -- Pete Elman

Ultimate Sports Guide, P.O. Box 4515, Berkeley, CA 94704
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